I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize