Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is Oprah even human
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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