Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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