There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize