He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
