Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
