I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
