He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
