its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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