i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
