Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
