Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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