I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
