Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
