You can't motorboat a personality
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
