I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
