don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
