My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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