in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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