Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
