Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
