trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
