everyone is single if you try hard enough
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
