sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
