She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
