I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
