Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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