im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
