So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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