My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
