You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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