it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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