yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
