But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
