I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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