we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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