i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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