ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
