you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Your cock deserves a montage
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
