No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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