Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We have started to decorate penises.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
