I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
