Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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