Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Can Purell be used as lube?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
