Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
