he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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