Will you blow on my dice?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
