Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
