I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
