Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
