So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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