you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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