then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
