I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just pee around me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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