I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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