Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize