I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
