3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
