It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
