Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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