my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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