Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
