Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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